The December People’s Choice Award goes to…
The people have spoken… The December People’s Choice Award goes to Daniel Martinez Jr for his play Off the Shelf, presented as a staged reading at Monday Night PlayGround on December 18th live at Freight and Salvage and simulcast via Vimeo Livestream. Congratulations, Daniel!
Courtesy of Daniel, we’re pleased to share the first two pages from the award-winning script. Enjoy!
Off the Shelf
by Daniel Martinez Jr
SETTING
Christmas Eve. Present Day.
CHARACTERS
JINGLEBOTTOM (30s) – gender is not important to this role. Character can be male, female, or nonbinary. Jinglebottom used to be an Elf on the Shelf to Alejandro. After a mysterious event, Jinglebottom smacked their head and was left without magic. Feels abandoned by Santa Claus. Jinglebottom turned to alcohol to cope and is on a mission to find their kid to see if that can be the key to getting their magic back.
ALEJANDRO (30s) – he/him. A man who has been hardened by hardship. Hates the holidays and wants to do anything and everything he can to avoid them. He’s used sex and hooking up as a way to avoid and distract him. The spirit and magic of the holiday lives deep inside him, but he doesn’t want to access it. On the nice list.
KLAUS (30s) – he/him. A Grindr hookup. On the naughty list.
Lights up on JINGLEBOTTOM, our Elf on the Shelf, standing in the middle of a living room. But this elf doesn’t look cute. This is the most busted/washed up looking elf ever. Jinglebottom swigs from a bottle of alcohol and is clearly intoxicated. They notice the audience.
JINGLEBOTTOM
My name is Jinglebottom, and I’m a Scout Elf sent to sit on your shelf! Well…I was. I kinda… lost my kid. But you know, it’s all good. I still remember the script. “Have you ever wondered how Santa could know if you’re naughty or nice each year as you grow? For hundreds of years, it’s been a big secret. It now can be shared if you promise to…”
LAUGHS can be heard off stage as two men make their way inside.
JINGLEBOTTOM
Ah, shit.
Jinglebottom quickly looks around, panicking, for a shelf to sit on. They awkwardly try to sit/stand as far upstage as possible.
JINGLEBOTTOM
Trying to get back in the game. These shelves were a lot bigger back in the day.
Jinglebottom tries to hold as still as possible. ALEJANDRO leads KLAUS into the living room. They don’t notice Jinglebottom.
KLAUS
Nice place ya got. Roommates?
ALEJANDRO
Nope. Just me.
KLAUS
Amazing. Not many guys in the Bay can host.
ALEJANDRO
Yeah, working in tech just has its perks like that.
KLAUS
I’m Klaus, by the way.
ALEJANDRO
Alex.
Klaus pulls Alejandro in close, they embrace. Klaus growls.
KLAUS
Well, since it’s Christmas Eve…I think it’s only appropriate that Santa Klaus comes down your chimney.
ALEJANDRO
Woof.
Jinglebottom DRY HEAVES. Klaus and Alejandro look in the opposite direction, still not noticing Jinglebottom behind them.
KLAUS
I thought you said you didn’t have roommates?
ALEJANDRO
I don’t.
Beat. Silence.
ALEJANDRO
Must be the neighbors.
Alejandro pushes Klaus down onto the couch and he gets on his knees.
ALEJANDRO
Now take off your pants and show me your North Pole.
Jinglebottom GAGS. Alejandro looks up and finally notices Jinglebottom. Alejandro screams. Klaus gets up and screams too.
KLAUS
Who the fuck is that?!
JINGLEBOTTOM
I’m sorry! I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to see this! Oh god, I don’t feel good.
ALEJANDRO
Who are you?!
JINGLEBOTTOM
I’m gonna throw up.
Jinglebottom gags, but this time it’s not a drill. They quickly run to the nearest receptacle or window and vomit.
ALEJANDRO
You need to leave or I’m calling the cops.
JINGLEBOTTOM
(Labored, mid-vomit) I’m sorry. Just let me ride this out then I’ll be out of your hair.
KLAUS
Get the fuck out of here, freak!
ALEJANDRO
I’m calling the cops.
Alejandro pulls out his phone.
JINGLEBOTTOM
Please. I’m so lost I don’t know where to go.
Jinglebottom starts crying and vomiting HARD. Twice as hard. Awkwardly hard. He’s really going through it. Alejandro looks at Klaus.
ALEJANDRO
…it’s fine. Just let it all out. I’ll get you some water.
KLAUS
Are you crazy?
ALEJANDRO
They just need to sober up. I really don’t think they’re here to hurt us.
Join us for the next Monday Night PlayGround on January 15! For more info, click here!