Once Upon a Time, The January People’s Choice went to…….

Goldilocks: A woman in her twenties. Any race. Golden hair.

(MOTHER BEAR and FATHER BEAR sit side by side. They face an empty chair)

FATHER BEAR

She’s late

MOTHER BEAR

Why are we doing this, again?

FATHER BEAR

I don’t want to have this discussion now.

MOTHER BEAR

But you also don’t want to have it before, or after. That’s the problem.

FATHER BEAR

It’s the principle.

MOTHER BEAR

Nothing was stolen.

FATHER BEAR

She ate our –

MOTHER BEAR

Apart from –

FATHER BEAR

She ate our –

MOTHER BEAR

Our porridge, yes, which Baby probably wouldn’t have finished anyway.

FATHER BEAR

That’s not the point.

MOTHER BEAR

Nothing was damaged.

FATHER BEAR

She slept in our –

MOTHER BEAR

Okay, so she sat in our chairs, ate some of our porridge, slept in our beds and left, I don’t even think that can be classed as a crime.

FATHER BEAR

Breaking and entering.

MOTHER BEAR

I’m just saying, the sitter isn’t cheap.

FATHER BEAR

I told you, we should have brought Baby along – witness justice first hand.

MOTHER BEAR

And I told you, this is no place for a baby.

FATHER BEAR

She’s late.

MOTHER BEAR

Well, of course she’s late!

(GOLDILOCKS enters and sits on the vacant seat)

GOLDILOCKS

Hey!

FATHER BEAR

You’re late.

GOLDILOCKS

Oh, yeah. Is that the time? Weird. Well, let me start off by saying thank you, for giving me the opportunity to explain myself – I can only imagine what a lowlife you must think I am, so let me set the scene. It’s a Friday, I’d been day-drinking, the whole-day-drinking, owing to having been dumped by my boyfriend of nine months. That’s right. Nine months.

FATHER BEAR

Does she think that’s a long time?

GOLDILOCKS

Well, I know it’s no diamond anniversary, but it’s my longest relationship, by, quite half.

MOTHER BEAR

Excuse my husband, we’ve been together for twenty years.

GOLDILOCKS

That’s bear years though, so… Anyway, where was I – nine months, all up in smoke – I’d been drinking, smoking, both kinds of–

(MOTHER BEAR leans over to FATHER BEAR)

MOTHER BEAR

Good thing we left Baby with that sitter.